Summer Sunshine Worries

Summer is very challenging time for me for numerous reasons. It brings back memories of the end of May 2009, where my mum cried and said that no present would ever be greater than becoming recovered. It shattered me that she loved me so much. I always knew she did, but it broke my heart that I could not give her, at that time, something which would mean the world to her.

I am also dreading shopping for summer clothes (I had to throw out my anorexic ones, not that I had too many as I was wearing a warm coat in the winter last few years). That involves a lot of mirrors, decisions and deciding what best covers up the my pot belly which I’ve always hated. I always feel much worse after shopping. Well, I’ve not been for so long, but I haven’t got much to wear so I have to.

Secondly, I’m not sure what clothes I want to wear in the summer. I just can’t look at my thighs so I’m avoiding getting any shorts etc. And I find it difficult to wear certain tops.

I just hate my new body after weight restoration. I think I look so terribly ugly that I no longer both to put make-up on like I used to (because I’m ugly anyway). I look normal now. For me, that equates to being ugly and not special.

I want to change this and be proud of my body and be more confident in my own skin. However, I’m not sure exactly how to go about this. I’ve challenged myself in the following ways:

  • I plan not to weigh myself this week despite feeling rather huge
  • I plan on going shopping in a few weeks time (putting avoidance aside)

I’m looking for more challenges, however.

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