Life Beyond…

My internet was down for a little over two weeks, and, aside from that have been incredibly busy so my apologies for the lack of posts!

I have spent most of my time volunteering in animal sanctuaries, veterinary practises, farm and wildlife hospitals and so on. I need this experience in order to apply to university which I shall be doing this year (a year late due to my eating disorder), and it has been a lifelong ambition. I remember when my psychiatrist said to me, bluntly: “Well, I certainly don’t know of any dead vets working.” It was a joke, but a very serious one: my eating disorder stripped me of any meaningful future. So, now, after initially being forced to gain weight to my target, I am choosing to try to stay there.

I remember the summer, two years back. I had just entered outpatient treatment and was not gaining so much as a few grammes (I was in fact shedding it very fast). I was told by psychiatrists to get a car lift to school — a 15 minute walk was too much for my heart — but I decided to go and work with animals on a farm where the physical task was quite demanding, against medical advise. What really amazed me is that I actually ate extra on top of my meal plan, even when the anorexia voice was at its strongest. I managed it, because I was motivated and because I knew I could not realise my dreams of a career in veterinary medicine with the degree of eating disorder that I had. I had lost a lot of things — weight, friends, almost a place to live, everyone’s trust — but I knew that is I lost my future, I would have nothing left to live for.

The future is a scary place for me. It is mysterious, unknown and the path as yet untrodden by myself. A future without an eating disorder, I realise, is not one of only flowers, it is one of real life which comes with a lot of connotations, but all I know is that it has the potential to be fulfilling; it is a life without so many barriers, outside of the prison that the Eating Disorder creates.

Trusting yourself

The very title of Melissa’s post, Trusting the process, remind me of the words my psychiatrist used to say

I understand that recovery is a leap of faith. Trust us, and more importantly, trust yourself.

What she says makes fundamental sense, and yet seems to be intrinsically difficult for me to achieve to this very day. It is a fear of what might be in the unknown.

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