On a tightrope: emerging into the real world

I was corresponding with another recoverer, and thought I would share with you my current struggles with learning to accept my life in recovery:

My life now is so much better without being so terribly ill, but in a was I find it difficult to re-emerge into the real life. My old life used to consist of travelling an hour to my OP treatment, seeing someone one or twice a week for an hour, getting home which took a hour. Then there were weekly blood tests at my GP. On top of that I developed an unstable shoulder due to muscle wasting (possible due to my anorexia?) which landed me on gas then morphine and then emergency anaesthesia at my local A&E a number of times. On top of bone scans, and other tests, and once a hospitalisation for medical instability. It blocked out every single worry I had, and every anxiety too as I was not living in the real world. I partly enjoyed the “life and death drama” of it all. Which is sad, I know. I lost friends, I disrupted my education, I isolated myself etc. And now it just feels so surreal that I am living “in the real world” and trying to be as normal as I can be. It just feels so odd that I have been so disconnected from the world for what seems like an eternity. Right now I feel I’m on a tightrope: I’m occasionally fantasising about the old (I know, very crappy and pathetic) life, and also about the life I could be living if I was even more free; I’m swaying between the two, but somehow managing to stay in equilibrium of being neither sick nor well.

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