Binge-purge cycle

This post is one I thought I would leave un-posted, but instead, I feel I need to get this out of my system and stop pretending that life is all beautiful.I am struggling, and I need to address my struggles. Below is what I wrote:

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Things seem crazy and disorganised in my life right now. A week or so ago, I asked for help online and posting the following:

3rd August 2010 entry:

I’m away from home at the minute, staying at someone else’s house where there is A LOT of binge food. In my house most of the cupboards are bare and most of the food is in the freezer. I’ve basically ended up binging almost every single day…and I’m spending so much money on food from vending machines that it’s really hitting my wallet (considering I have no income until September). I’ve also been purging by self-induced vomiting every few days which I rarely did in my AN days. I’ve tried to eat my full mp that I normally eat, but then I end up binging even more.

My old [treatment] team said it would be impossible that I would “never stop eating” but right now my biggest fear has come true — I am literally eating myself to obesity. I don’t know how much I have gained…but I will weight myself on the weekend as I’m at home and my local shop has a scale (despite knowing I shouldn’t) to see how much this has cost me.

I feel disgusted with myself as an anorexic, because this seems like bulimic behaviour and I ought to have the self-control and discipline to starve myself like I used to be able to happily do. I told my mum, broke down for a day, and did not leave bed in my depression and ended up being told she has no idea what to do and that I should contact my T. I can’t contact my [psychologist] between our fortnightly [appointment]…at least she never stated I can and I don’t have her e-mail. I see my [psychologist] on Monday.

I’m back home on the saturday too. I’m wondering whether or not I need a blood test. I think I ought to, just to make sure things are ok, but I feel really awkward asking for one (you know the NHS, uk fishies). I feel embarrassed and not even sure if it’s necessary. I think I should ask my GP for a phone consult, and see what she thinks…but I feel really stupid and I don’t want my mum to overhear me talking to my GP about my issues.

You guys are my only source of help right now. I need to stop binging and have no idea how. Eating my [meal plan] isn’t helping and I have no real new stressors to address so i have no idea what is causing me to binge other than the fact that there is so much food around ….

In the end, I blew all the blood vessels in my eye which remained red for a week, ended up feeling really sick, and purged every other day for about two weeks. It was a major step back after not engaging in obvious eating-disordered behaviour for so long.When I was really ill with anorexia, I only ever self-induced vomiting around 3 times, the last time being in October, 10 months ago from this episode.

But I have moved forward, and looking for answers too.

What lead to the binges?

In retrospect, I think it was my inability to tolerate intense emotions of stress (due to interpersonal arguments, being away from a safe place like my own home). Or, I shouldn’t say inability, but rather a lack of practise at tolerating strong emotions. This is something I have talked to my therapist about in our last session.

My body needed food as the activities I was doing was burning more calories than I had anticipated. I did not (or did not want to, for fear of not trusting myself) listen to my own body which was asking for more food. In future, I feel that I need to pack a bigger lunch, say, another sandwich, if I know I am going to be burning more.

What lead to the purging?

Panic and profound guilt. And fear of gaining weight (I technically do not need to gain weight).

I felt guilty for the types of food I ate, bad foods as my eating disorder (and, to some extent society).I felt this made me a bad person, rotten to the core.

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How are things now?

Today, I look at this post, and although my last purge was on only a few weeks ago, I no longer feel to perpetuate the cycle. Why the difference? I think it is because school is back on my agenda (even if only part time) and my life is more structured and predictable. However, I realise I need to step outside my structured niche at some point in order to move forwards and ensure this does not become a repetitive problem.

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Challenging Assumptions

One important thing which I have learned is to challenge assumptions. A lot of assumptions consume my life, which make m mind spiral out of control as it decsends into the abyss of depressive mood and darkness. Yes, thinking postively can indeed change your mood.

Unfortunately, I sometimes do nt do this autmaically — it is a skill that I have learned in CBT therapy and one which I need to pull upon if I am to ever buld m self-esteem and get past me Eaing Disorder.

This requries two things:

  1. To recognise a thought is an assumption
  2. To challenge the assumption accordingly

Let’s take a look at an example which happened to me a few days ago. It was my friend’s birthday, Jessica’s, last Saturday. I dropped her a text asking when it wold be best to give her the lovely gift I had brought.

I’m working on Saturday, but my mum is in if you want to drop it off there

I turned up at her workplace to find that she was not there.

Immediate thought:

She lied to me. Maybe she doesn’t want to be friend’s with me. What on earth is wrong with me? On Facebook she is going out with someone else and not me…

It turns out my negative automatic thought was wrong. She was working at her aunty instead (her othe workplace). She was overjoyed to see me, and said she wanted to go out with just me becuase she wanted to do something special.

So, next time I need to challenge myself just that litle bit more.

Things are not as they always seem.

Summer Sunshine Worries

Summer is very challenging time for me for numerous reasons. It brings back memories of the end of May 2009, where my mum cried and said that no present would ever be greater than becoming recovered. It shattered me that she loved me so much. I always knew she did, but it broke my heart that I could not give her, at that time, something which would mean the world to her.

I am also dreading shopping for summer clothes (I had to throw out my anorexic ones, not that I had too many as I was wearing a warm coat in the winter last few years). That involves a lot of mirrors, decisions and deciding what best covers up the my pot belly which I’ve always hated. I always feel much worse after shopping. Well, I’ve not been for so long, but I haven’t got much to wear so I have to.

Secondly, I’m not sure what clothes I want to wear in the summer. I just can’t look at my thighs so I’m avoiding getting any shorts etc. And I find it difficult to wear certain tops.

I just hate my new body after weight restoration. I think I look so terribly ugly that I no longer both to put make-up on like I used to (because I’m ugly anyway). I look normal now. For me, that equates to being ugly and not special.

I want to change this and be proud of my body and be more confident in my own skin. However, I’m not sure exactly how to go about this. I’ve challenged myself in the following ways:

  • I plan not to weigh myself this week despite feeling rather huge
  • I plan on going shopping in a few weeks time (putting avoidance aside)

I’m looking for more challenges, however.

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