“Enjoying Food is a Deady Sin” says Anorexia

I realised that there is something holding me back in recovery…and that is eating things and enjoying eating them because they taste good as opposed to their calorific value.

To enjoy food feels like the most deadly sin. Last week I almost purged (but could not as my friend walked in the bathroom) most likely because I actually enjoyed the food. I was at an Indian restaurant for my friend’s 19th. I’m not accustomed to going out to Indian restaurants, and it was a challenging experience in that there were not set portions: it was an Indian all-you-can-eat buffet. In retrospect, my psychologist challenged me to whether or not I actually overate. I had nothing but Tandoori chicken: not a highly calorific calorie-laden option, and I skipped my portion of carbohydrate (there was no boiled rice) and I did not have dessert (despite it looking so tasty) and I had only hate half of my lunch as well. But at the time, in the moment, it really did feel like a great big binge. It struck me as I realised that other times I might have purged in the past less so because of calories, but more because I enjoyed it.

It’s really holding me back, and I’m not sure how to address it, or whether I should in any case. I’m a bit ambivalent, actually, of challenging myself to enjoy food. In a way I am worried to let the last of me ED thinking and behaviours go: I’m not sure what life will be without counting the calories, without the daily mirror checks, without the constant need for reassurance that I am thin-ish, without the restricted diet and the fear food list. It’s a bit of a leap of faith.

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