Going out at lunch time

For the duration of my eating disorder, 2 years, many of my friends left me (due to misunderstanding? fear?) and I also isolated myself. When ED comes in, there is no time for other people.

I’ve been struggling to make friends every since. I’ve gotten over my fear of talking to people at lunchtimes at college in the common room and, quite amazingly, I have begun to sit and eat lunch (without the paranoia that everyone is watching me or judging what I am eating). It hard to integrate back into the social circle when I was never there and when rumours began to spread due to my persistent and frequent absences.

Anyway, for the first time ever I was able to meet up with 3 of these people and another friend of theirs to go to the cinema to see Date Night. I found it very awkward as we were meeting up at 11am in town, with the film starting at 12.30, meaning this would disrupt my normal 12.30 lunch break. I adore strict schedules, and am very anxious when disruptions occur. I had various choices:

  1. Act as a weird person and take my own lunch with me in a lunch box — out of the question as I wish not isolate myself
  2. Buy lunch out in town with them and eat it instead — logical solution, but which would raise a lot of anxiety (perfect challenge for myself, however)
  3. Eat lunch after I get back — but then I would need to eat dinner later as I’d feel too full
  4. Skip lunch — not really an options as I don’t want to lapse

I decided, unfortunately, that I was too anxious, this time round, to buy lunch. So, I went with option number 3. The downside was that I could have hung around after the cinema for much longer for a general chit-chat.

Why could I not have chosen to eat a lunch from down town? Well, what if different food makes me fat? Would I have to count up to calories to make sure it was equivalent? The answer is no and no. “Fear foods” will not make me fat, only anxious. A few extra calories will not make me swell up overnight and will average out over the month. Counting calories is so inaccurate that it is futile.

That shall be my challenge for another day.

On the upside, I had great fun and was extremely happy to be able to socialise, for I still feel quite lonely. Things a looking up for me.

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