Life Beyond…

My internet was down for a little over two weeks, and, aside from that have been incredibly busy so my apologies for the lack of posts!

I have spent most of my time volunteering in animal sanctuaries, veterinary practises, farm and wildlife hospitals and so on. I need this experience in order to apply to university which I shall be doing this year (a year late due to my eating disorder), and it has been a lifelong ambition. I remember when my psychiatrist said to me, bluntly: “Well, I certainly don’t know of any dead vets working.” It was a joke, but a very serious one: my eating disorder stripped me of any meaningful future. So, now, after initially being forced to gain weight to my target, I am choosing to try to stay there.

I remember the summer, two years back. I had just entered outpatient treatment and was not gaining so much as a few grammes (I was in fact shedding it very fast). I was told by psychiatrists to get a car lift to school — a 15 minute walk was too much for my heart — but I decided to go and work with animals on a farm where the physical task was quite demanding, against medical advise. What really amazed me is that I actually ate extra on top of my meal plan, even when the anorexia voice was at its strongest. I managed it, because I was motivated and because I knew I could not realise my dreams of a career in veterinary medicine with the degree of eating disorder that I had. I had lost a lot of things — weight, friends, almost a place to live, everyone’s trust — but I knew that is I lost my future, I would have nothing left to live for.

The future is a scary place for me. It is mysterious, unknown and the path as yet untrodden by myself. A future without an eating disorder, I realise, is not one of only flowers, it is one of real life which comes with a lot of connotations, but all I know is that it has the potential to be fulfilling; it is a life without so many barriers, outside of the prison that the Eating Disorder creates.